Here are some things readers may not know about me. I graduated 2nd in my high school class. I received a BA in English from UC Berkeley and an MA in Teaching from UC Irvine. I was a damn good middle school teacher. It sounds like I'm tooting my own horn, and maybe I am. I'm listing these because I've had so many people, mostly women, question why I decided to stay at home and "waste" my education. These women range from relatives to close friends to acquaintances. Recently someone had enough thoughtless gall to question if they would ever be a SAHM (stay at home mom) after all the great education I received.
Since when did being educated become a bad thing? Am I not able to return to the job field after my kids go to school? Am I being a bad mother for staying at home and having these degrees? Am I not contributing to society by raising children who are well behaved, thoughtful, morally sound, and our future? Would you rather me be a 16 year old raising a child without receiving an education? Am I not creating a brighter future for my kids because I set the example of receiving an education?
Maybe being educated is not the bad thing, but what people are criticizing is my, actually our (referring to the husband here) choice to have a parent raise their own children. Once again, I will return to the power of rhetorical questions. Is having a parent raise their own child a bad thing? Is staying at home for a short period of time (in the grand scheme of things) a waste of life? I strongly believe the answer to these two questions is no. I am not saying that being a SAHM is the best way or the only way to raise children. Every family has different needs specific for their family. My family decided that the cost to provide full time child care was just not enough for me to be a full time working mom. Financially, this decision has taken a toll and we may be forced to reevaulate what our family needs in the future. But, for now, being a SAHM with a part time online business is what we've decided as the best route. I'm simply saying that people should stop looking down on me, and other mothers like me, like I'm wasting my potential or my life by staying at home with the kids during these critical developmental years.
Somehow, the media generated a stereotype of SAHM to be women who do nothing but gossip, shop, and lounge around all day. Unfortunately, there are many cases where this is true. But, I'm a driven, educated woman that runs a business and a blog while running a household. Please don't tell me I'm wasting my education because I guarantee you that my discipline and drive from my former school years are what's helping me to fulfill my role as a mother now and will guide me in the future if and when I decide to return to teaching or if I decide to pursue my vintage business full time or anything else I decide to do. I have options because I'm educated.
I think this is a topic that can swing both ways. I often think critically towards mothers who choose a career and place their children in daycare. To me it's kind of like breastfeeders vs bottle feeders.
ReplyDeleteI want to emphasize that I used the word "choose", because some mothers do not have a choice, which unfortunately is the case for a majority of mothers. Nowadays the ability to be a SAHM is hard to do, sociologically and economically. It can almost be categorized as a luxury.
So I feel very lucky and very proud to be able to be a SAHM and I feel sorry for anyone who isn't able to. My children are my career, I am building a better future for them through them. The opportunity to have a "career" for money will always be there, but your children won't be children forever. Not trying to preach, just how I personally feel about it.
hey! long time no speak! so glad you stopped by the blog.
ReplyDeletethis is definitely a topic that swings both ways and I too have thought the same exact sentiments as you expressed here (Not preachy at all btw).
this was a difficult post to write because as many SAHM friends I have, I also have working mom friends who are great moms. Most of my SAHM friends though do not live luxurious lives and support their families somehow financially (even if it's just a little), which makes me think this is a whole another category of SAHM. Anyhow, all this to say I agree with your views. For me, the breaking point is people seem to think it's ok to point out that I am "wasting" my education by being a SAHM when I feel like being educated has brought me to this point.
Hope this makes sense and isn't being too preachy either, although the rest of my post was. HA!
Sometimes people forget feminism is about allowing women to have choices. Back then lots of women were housewives because other options weren't necessarily out there for them. Now that we have made some progress on that, I can't believe some people swung so far the other way.
ReplyDeleteI decided not to have children because I know I am far less maternal than most women, and I doubt my ability to really raise them properly (not to say I have never gotten the urge to have them). That is my choice. I am highly educated too but would I ever look down on any woman who has carefully made the decision to stay home and raise her child because that's what she believes to be the best? Heck no. In fact, Anna, I applaud you for being a SHAM because you've obviously evaluated the pros and cons, and it wasn't a decision taken lightly. Financially and socially speaking it must be tough for you sometimes, but ultimately it's your choice. We women need to remember that simply having a choice was a battle hard fought and (kind of) won, and we shouldn't be tearing each other down.
In the end, look at your children. They will tell you if your choice is the right one.
I completely agree. While trying to search for articles about educated stay at home moms, I read a wide variety of so called "feminists" either criticizing educated SAHM which baffled me. How in the world can people who so strongly think they are feminists not understand a woman's choice?
DeleteThank you for bringing that aspect up. I applaud you for your perspective. I say live with no regrets, and taking care of my children is definitely not something I will regret.
Oops, SAHM, not SHAM. That'll teach me to not reply with auto correct, which does the weirdest thing sometimes. :)
ReplyDeleteI think it's ridiculous that people would see fit to criticize your choice to stay at home with your kids. These people must not have children and certainly must never have run an Etsy business (or any other business), as they would shut their traps before they criticized you. It's unbelievable to me that in 2013 women still have to justify choices like this. If we go back to work, we're not taking care of the kids. If we stay at home, we're wasting our educations. Are men held to these standards and criticized like this? I don't think so--certainly not in the same way women are and have been.
ReplyDeleteman, women are totally reading my minds, including you, Karen! Somehow, women have been put in a lose-lose situation by society. And as the commenter posted before me, many of these are placed by so called hard-core feminists. It's quite backwards in a way.
DeleteWell...I consider myself a "hardcore feminist" but maybe I'm not as hardcore as some. I don't think true feminists or "hardcore feminists" are the problem. This is an age old problem in our culture. In the end, you have to blame those in positions of power. They are the ones who set the tone and standard; they're the ones who need to change.
Deletei think i used the term "hard-core feminists" too losely. My apologies. I was actually referring to this author who calls SAHM infantile and refers to them as animals. http://www.sheknows.com/parenting/articles/958661/stay-at-home-moms-are-holding-women-back
DeleteShe's crazy.
I consider myself a feminist and I completely agree that the problem stems from something engrained in our culture and society.
I can't believe some people would criticise your choice to be SAHM. I think you and the other vintage selling mums are amazing! I can't imagine how you manage to run such wonderful online shops and take care of your adorable children all at the same time… and you do! You are a star!
ReplyDeletethanks for your support, Teresa! I don't know about being a star, but thanks anyways! :)
DeleteYou know what girl? All you can do is LAUGH at those people. I think it's wonderful that you are able to raise a family and be at home for them! Your life, your choice! I hope that when I chose to have babies I can afford to stay home as well, or make it work somehow!!
ReplyDeleteI really feel sorry for people who feel the need to pass such judgement on others. Going to school doesn't mean you need to throw yourself into the working world and never leave. Like you said, you will have options available to you in the future if you ever chose that route! I think the people that open their mouths like that are always the ones that are somehow jealous of what you have. The best thing we can learn to do for people like this is to feel sorry for them and laugh it off <3
Much love to you, your wonderfully amazing vintage shop, and your scrumptious family :)
thanks for the support, G. By God's grace, our family is getting by. It takes much sacrifice for us- less eating out, less vacations, etc. but it's worth it.
DeleteYou always make me laugh. I don't know if people are jealous, but I do think it's just ignorance or a momentary lack of judgment when they say such things. Just baffles me that people think any kind of an education is a waste. Maybe that's my teacher side coming out.
Much love to you, also!
xo
Dude... what's wrong w/people? You bring up such an important point. I work w/college students and realize the ones w/a good head on their shoulders, that treat others with respect, take responsibility for their actions (whatever the consequences may be) have parents who have been their role models. Whether that comes from a family w/a SAHM or FT working mom or single mom, the important thing is that your children are loved and supported. Who do people think they are to judge what is best for your family/children? It IS different for every family. It's narrow-minded to think there's one perfect way to parent/raise your children.
ReplyDeleteYour story of how others treated you is unfortunate. I've had my share of SAHM friends (also very educated) who think that their way is best and who look down on moms who work period. Either way - it's not right. I guess it's just human nature to judge those who don't accept the lifestyles that we live, no matter how hard we try not to.
ReplyDeleteBut your story also raised an interesting point. The traditional "SAHM" and "working" mom labels often don't apply these days. Based on your description, you're a business owner, blogger, and you raise children. You don't work the traditional M-F 9am-5pm job, but that doesn't mean that you don't work. I'm sure there are many men and women (with and without children) who work as many hours as you do and make the same income. We wouldn't label them as "not working" or "stay at home ...."
I personally think society needs to provide more flexible and alternative arrangements for women to raise children and continue in their careers (whether it's splitting job responsibilities or working from home). That's when women can make a true choice. Thank God for etsy, ebay, and the internet in general. :)
Personally, for me, it was a traditional "SAHM" who encouraged me to pursue post-college education so that I would have the skillset to work part-time while I raise children, or have an easier time to get back into the market if I decided to take time off. I am forever indebted to her for her advice because before her prodding, I wondered if it was worth the extra time and money to go to grad school if my dream (at that time) was to be a SAHM. I hope to direct my daughters and younger girlfriends to also choose flexible, highly-skilled careers so that they too can have a real choice about whether they want to work full time, part time, or not at all while they have their own children.
One more thought: This SAHM/working mom war is a modern war. Read Proverbs 31 about the "ideal" woman who also worked, or think about the agricultural society where everyone worked. It's also a rich-people war. I doubt that people in third world countries are fighting about whether they should work or not work. The women who have the "choice" to make this decision are indeed the lucky few.